Two things are certain in gay life: first comes ageing out of twinkhood, and second is meeting a guy you like, but never making a move for fear of getting rejected and/or getting called a slur that rhymes with the word maggot. Being gay is FUN!
Today we’ll focus on ONE of these pressing matters, because frankly, we don’t know what happens to twinks when they turn twenty-six. Do they just dematerialise ‘Leftovers’ style, or do they all get banished to work at MYER for the remainder of their days? It’s truly one of life’s great mysteries.
In this article, we’ll help you fine tune your gaydar to aid you on your quest to for d*ck…or in less crass terms, to help you find a friend of Dorothy… but when I say Dorothy, I mean that big green dinosaur who exclusively hung out with those guys who wouldn’t STFU about FRUIT salad, repped the rainbow colours to work every day, all while getting tickled with that camp pirates feather sword.
PS if you ever wondered why Jeff was constantly falling asleep on the job, it’s because he was a scene queen who hit da gay club with Dorothy every night! See how good I am?
- Check Grindr, DUH! If this man is the hungry-hungry-homo you suspect him to be, open Grindr. He just might be on the menu!
- If you can’t pin the head on the torso, hit up the photo-less profile that’s only six meters away. Their username is “throatgoat69”, so even if that isn’t who you’re looking for, you know they have a great personality.
- Pro tip: Keep an ear and eye out for ‘Selenerrrr. In this case ‘Selenerrrr’ is the Grindr notification sound, as well as that distinct orange glow you see on a man’s face as he scrolls through Grindr.
- Peep who follows him on social media: If the majority of your shared mutuals are gay, or notorious fruit flies, then his wrist may be of the limp variety. (However, if he has a big gay following, but doesn’t follow many/any. He’s probably just a straight with an overpriced OnlyFans) #staywoke.
- Follows meme pages such as @bestofgrindr, @gaysecret or chaotic celebrities like Azealia Banks and Amanda Bynes.
- In birthday posts to his friends, he looks HOT (typically wearing some form of thot attire) while the friend is in mid motion, out of focus, and their eyes are rolled back Undertaker style.
- Uploads a photo of his new haircut, but somehow has his bulge or ass is in frame.
- Owns THAT Versace jockstrap.
- Ask them what their top listened to genre on Spotify wrapped is. If they answer, “dance pop”, that girl is on fire, and we ain’t talking about Katniss Everdeen.
- Posts sunset vistas to their story. Bonus points if they overlay a song on top of it. If it’s FKA twigs or Azealia Banks, they’re def gay… probably a bottom too.
- “Coven was the best season of American Horror story”.
- Unironically likes Bjork.
- Goes out clubbing on a Sunday night.
- Randomly quotes lines from Mean Girls in casual conversation. Why yes kind sir, I would like my muffin buttered!
- Loves a movie with a bad ass female lead.
- Texts are littered with “sksksks” and “alskhfjhfjbf”.
- Says the movie ‘Glitter’ was ahead of its time.
- Ask them if they know anyone by the name of SeanCody, pay close attention to his reaction.
- Uses Instagram filters that make them look flawless, poreless, and lowkey… a little embalmed. #goals?
- Obsessively talks about a Pop star who last released an album a decade ago! Sky Ferreira is never releasing that album, LET IT GO!
- Has a huge library of useless pop trivia knowledge.
- Buys house plants instead of going to therapy. Peace lilies don’t actually bring you peace, they just sit there and faint when they don’t get enough attention.
- Thinks having an iced coffee every day is personality trait.
- Knows the names of more than one Pussy Cat Doll.
- Has a favourite Pussy Cat Dolls song.
- Has a tattoo of a butterfly (if it’s on his chest, he likes eating ass).
- Willingly watched the dumpster fire of a season that was ‘And Just Like That.’
- Quotes Gemma Collins’ “I’m claustrophobic, Darren” melt down.
- Chooses Peach every time they play Mario Party. (Her name is PEACH, and she wears a floor length pink dress even while go-carting, she invented CAMP!)
- Uses Nicki Minaj perfume as home décor.
- Claims they know Margot Robbie’s gay brother (they just follow him on Insta).
- Had skinny legend brows in 2008.
- Drinks vodka sodas.
- Owns a sunset lamp.
- Doesn’t know how to do their taxes.
- Claims they know who is on the next season of Drag Race.
- Their report cards read “*insert name here* was a delight to have in class”.
- Owns a Voss water bottle.
- “I think I have ADHD”.
- When you ask him if he’s gay, and he says yes. If all those kids in high school could say, “can I ask you a question…. are you gay?” then WHY CAN’T YOU?! In all seriousness though, it’s better to ask, then left wondering.
And that is how to tell if a guy is gay… If you end up getting a relationship out of this article, I’ll be expecting an invite to your wedding (only if it’s an open bar.)
Oh and for the WLW among us, don’t worry because we’ve got you covered, too, with our guide on how to tell if a girl is gay.