Before we dive in, we’ve got a few hard-to-swallow pills for you to get through first…
Firstly, Pride Month is sadly well and truly over. Rainbows have been buried (literally) beneath capitalist concrete and Sarah Paulson still hasn’t messaged me back.
Secondly, we’re now closer to 2022 than 2020 and even my therapist seems to be struggling with that one. In light of these struggles, we can at least help you in your endeavours for stability in the film world. Admittedly, this isn’t hard to achieve. There are about as many films with quality WLW representation as there are saucy WLW bars (read: practically none). Alas, we are honoured to ‘hot or not’ some classics (and some indies, wow how cultured) to keep your freak flag flying.
1. PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE
What better way to denote hot than with fire in the title. Directed by Celine Sciamma and starring the poignant Adele Haenel & Noemie Merlant, this 2019 Cannes feature is an homage to renaissance art pieces, to slow-burning passion, and to women. Without depicting men onscreen, the shackles and turmoil of women’s lives (and how the patriarchy exacerbates this) are on full display. You can’t even be mad that this is yet another period WLW drama, because it’s just so goddamn beautiful. 4.5/5 fire emojis.
I would pay money to commission a re-make of this absolutely delicious train wreck. Teenage girls plucked from their regular lives to be a part of an underground spy academy? Yes please. Holland Taylor as headmaster? Naturally. A lesbian villain who can only be described as “I have embodied Demi Moore from Charlie’s Angels 2, and only Demi Moore from Charlie’s Angels 2”? Tick. Said Demi-babe and lead hero falling IN LOVE while trying to out-PLAY each other? I’m sorry did I write this fanfiction? Move over 50 Shades, we’ve got some actual content here. 3.5/5 fire emojis in hopes to encourage said remake.
3. BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOUR
An example of not so hot. Despite absolutely every single one of us searching for this little number on putlocker (don’t tell mum) back in 2016, the **cough true colours cough** of Director Abdel Keniche are unfortunately rampant. Not even the grace and welcomed intensity of the leads could pull you away from the discomfort of feeling like the camera was part of a menage a trois, staged solely for Keniche’s benefit. 2/5 fire emojis, one for each of the leads.
Set in 2019 and not a tragedy? Sorry, you’re in the wrong section of WLW films at Blockbuster. This directorial debut from Olivia Wilde has truly breathed some new life into inclusive, raw, and humorous teen storytelling. Easily one of the most endearing and quietly masterful films of 2019, this is one that might even get a chuckle out of nana. Or prompt her to tell you about the time she did lines on someone’s private yacht. Either way, a win. 4.5/5 fire emojis.
Now this film was almost as unimportant as Jenny on The L Word, and definitely as offensive. I don’t know which was more disconcerting: James Corden bastardising and suffocating each corner of the camera with insulting gay tropes, or James Corden in Cats. Both were heinous abominations. Ryan Murphy, I really need you to stick with Sarah Paulson as your lead, because she has never led you astray. 0.5/5 fire emojis, just to validate our gal Nicole Kidman. Hope you and Keith are well.
So what, Rachel spits in Rachel’s mouth? This is what we’re going to kink-shame? Honestly, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. The film tackles concepts of identity, religion and sacrifice with finesse and tenderness. Despite its modern setting, it still provides us with that same sense of repressed/forbidden romance. Us WLW, we just love a tragedy. This isn’t necessarily one to watch to lighten moods though, moreso one to assist in deterring you from that long-distance relationship you’re considering. Close Tumblr, walk away. 3.5/5 fire emojis.
7. JENNIFER’S BODY
If you have a bad word to say about (bi)con Megan Fox, “there’s a 72% chance it’s already raining” Amanda Seyfried or the underrated black comedy that is Jennifer’s Body, please leave the group chat. Diablo Cody’s follow-up to indie masterpiece, Juno, was one that was unfortunately ruined by marketers and further buried by ignorance. I understand, Farmville was also released in 2009, so we were all quite busy, but it really is no excuse. If you haven’t come around to this one yet, or simply forgot the perfectly lit kiss that sparked your sexual awakening, then we do suggest a re-watch. 4.5/5 fire emojis.
Alrighty, on your bikes, dykes, you’ve got some quality content to consume!
Otherwise, please feel free to tell (and/or reprimand) us on our socials and flag those we’ve forgotten – we love constructive criticism just as much as lesbians like talking about their exes on the first date.
And if you were in need of this rundown of WLW classics, you’re more than likely in need of help figuring out if your femme love interest is gay, too. But don’t fret, we gotchu.