January 20–February 18

You’ve been doing a lot of partying, and it’s time you detox your body. And no, I’m not saying that you should go get an enema or anything wild, just take a little extra time on the self care front this month…Your mum’s getting concerned. 


February 19–March 20

The implantable pacemaker, post it notes, and you. What do these amazing things have common? They were all made by mistake. Remember that the next time you stop yourself from doing something because you’re too scared of flopping, because you’re a beautiful mistake in our eyes xxx


March 21–April 19

Wondering what that sick feeling in your gut is? It could be the week-old meal prep you had for dinner last night, or it could be all those feelings you’ve been bottling up. In either case, I’d suggest you let it out, because the longer you hold it in, the messier it will be when it comes out….sincerely, a diarrhea survivor.


April 20–May 20

You keep complaining about not making new friends, but never leave the house or make any effort to change that fact. Can you see the problem? It’s that sad person/thing that stares back at you when you turn off your TV. Let’s change that this month?


May 21–June 21

Baby got back (pain). It may hurt from dragging around that big fat juicy badonkadonk booty all day, but it may also be that huge Santa sack of baggage you love to carry everywhere. Go to therapy, or start lifting with your legs. It’s your choice.


June 22–July 22 

You collect every small piece of garbage that reminds you of something/someone and call it a “memento,” while everyone else calls it “hoarding.” It’s also why your apartment smells the way it does. It’s nowhere near spring, but you need to get a head start on the cleaning.


July 23–August 22 

People have the impression that you’re a b**ch…which they’re kinda right about. 

Don’t change though, that’s what I like about you. Keep it real queen.


August 23–September 22 

In many aspects of your life, you’re a quick thinker who loves to solve problems. Now, let’s apply that to your love life because you’re a lot like Snooki’s hair in the 2000’s, messy, probably toxic, and undeniably highly flammable. Let’s grow (like Snooki’s roots).


September 23–October 23 

Be confident in your decisions, AKA don’t feel bad about cutting out toxic people from your life. You deserve a lot of things, but being treated like sh*t isn’t one of them. 


October 24–November 21 

Ever wonder why people call you The Hulk? It’s not because the fake jewellery you wear leaves a green tinge to your skin, it’s because you can be a little green with envy. I’d suggest therapy, but considering that you won’t even buy yourself some stainless steel, what’s the point?


November 22–December 21 

Meredith Grey once said, “pick me, choose me, love me,” and I think you should start living your life by that. Why? Because she’s a smart AF doctor who pulls a lot of hot ass. Isn’t that what you want too?


December 22–January 19 

You’re always right, but somehow always in the wrong with somebody. Coincidence? You tell me! I’d offer you advice, but both of us know that would be pointless. Keep doing you though I guess. 


You’ll be pleased to know that we pull every single one of these homoscopes out of our asses. They are not fact checked by anyone other than my mum (who didn’t laugh once, actually), so please take them with a grain of salt xx


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