After a solid five-year run in a somewhat monogam-ish relationship, I find myself emerging on the other side as a 30-year-old single guy, clueless about how to jump back into the dating game. Initially, I avoided dating apps, drowning my sorrows in Long Island iced teas, surviving emotional meltdowns at wild house parties, and well, tending to my own business solo. But with time, my heart healed, and I decided to dip my toes (and thumbs) into the online dating world.
Though I haven’t had any dates yet, I’ve explored these apps, and guess what? Not much has changed since my last dating venture. There’s still an abundance of headless torsos and greetings that march in like they own the place. Once you log in, you’ll scroll, swipe, or heart your way through an endless parade of twinks, twunks, bears, daddies, and more! However, when it comes to selecting your preferred positions for sex – something gay men take very seriously – the choices have always been the traditional “top,” “bottom,” or “verse.”
Then, like a beacon of curiosity, the term “side” kept popping up, catching my eye. At first, I imagined people bringing side dishes to hookups – sex with a side of gravy and coleslaw, anyone? – but a quick Google search and a dive into a deep rabbit hole brought me answers.
So, what is a side? Sides are men who revel in an array of sexual activities, excluding anal penetration. They enjoy intimate acts like kissing, hugging, oral sex, rimming, mutual masturbation, and frottage. While some may have experimented with anal penetration before, they found it wasn’t their cup of tea. A few sides might still enjoy light anal stimulation with a finger, but that’s as far as they’ll go.
As I connected with individuals who identified as sides, I was surprised by the prevalence of rejection and misunderstanding they faced within the gay community. Many shared their experiences of being labelled as boring, immature, or even asexual by others. Michael, 29, from Brunswick Victoria, expressed, “I’ve been invalidated a lot, and made to feel like I’m not a real gay person. It’s hurtful, but at the end of the day, I’m still a gay man, even if I don’t have anal sex.”
Sides, a concept relatively new to me and some friends I’ve spoken to, have been around for ages – we just didn’t have a specific term to describe them. Interestingly, the term “side” was coined by sex therapist and author Dr. Joe Kort back in 2013 and only made its way to Grindr in May 2022. “The inclusion is big step forward… It made me feel seen,” said Michael, 34, Coogee Sydney.
After engaging with and reading up on guys who identify as sides, I discovered a treasure trove of diversity – each one with a unique story and preferences. But amidst this vibrant mix, there is a common ground. Firstly, they’re thrilled to finally see their community recognized and validated. However, amidst the joy, there’s a bit of side-eye fatigue going on. They’re tired of constantly explaining their lives to others who just can’t seem to get it. It’s like having to teach “Sides 101” over and over again – exhausting, right? Plus, there’s this lingering hurt from being misidentified, like when someone confuses your oat latte order with a regular one – a minor annoyance that hits a personal spot.
At one point, I even questioned if I was a side, but after some soul-searching (or should I say, hole-searching), I realized that wasn’t the case. Nevertheless, as I continue to explore the world of online dating, it’s refreshing to learn about the diverse preferences and identities within the gay community. From tops to bottoms and everything in between, it’s evident that there’s a wide spectrum of desires and attractions out there.
So, whether you’re a top, a bottom, or proudly identify as a side, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and find someone who appreciates and respects your unique tastes and preferences. In this colourful mosaic of love and desire, there’s a place for everyone to shine.
