Aquarius: January 20–February 18
Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, but you have the biggest one. The problem? You’re stinking up the place and everyone’s going to start bitching about the smell (you) soon.
Pisces: February 19–March 20
Constantly getting in trouble for daydreaming your life away, and never getting any actual work done? You must be a Pisces. Maybe it’s time for a change in career, or maybe just get better at time theft. You’re not trying very hard, are you?
Aries: March 21–April 19
Your compulsive need to turn any task that involves others into a competition has benefited you when it’s come to schooling, and your professional career. In every other aspect of life, it just makes you unbearable.
Taurus: April 20–May 20
To give a f*ck, or not to give a f*ck? I already know the answer, so I’ll just go f*ck myself x.
Gemini: May 21–June 21
You got 99 problems, and 98 of those are your other personalities. Though for me, I think it’s all 99.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
Next time the person you’ve been seeing texts you “night” instead of “goodnight”, immediately jump to conclusions because the vibes are indeed off, and they have always hated you. Oh wait, you already do that don’t you?
Leo: July 23–August 22
You can keep telling everyone that you “love being alone”, but guess what? It’s still going to be a lie. You crave deep and meaningful connections, but letting anyone see that vulnerable side of you is scary. In totally get it, just don’t build up a wall so high that no one can find you.
Virgo: August 23–September 22
Oh you met someone who treats you like a human being, has goals and gives you the attention you crave? Sounds like someone you only like as a friend amiright ladies? Please heal, for the world, but mostly for you.
Libra: September 23–October 23
Open your arms, heart, and hell, even your legs. Be vulnerable, and if that flops, go back to the star.
Scorpio: October 24–November 21
“I want to fall in love…” ok, well a great start would be to stop answering that 10pm WYD text from someone who makes you feel like an actual piece of shit.
Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
You’re chill… really chill. Some would say a little too chill. What I’m saying is that you need to have a shower, and no, soap is not optional.
Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Oh, you’re getting sick. Take some time to be by yourself, because you need it, but more importantly, WE need it. We’re sick of you.
